Avoidance At Its Best

It took me a full hour between typing the title of this article and typing this intro bit. That alone should tell you how well this is going.

It's actually incredible how many time's I've rewritten this first sentence. Mainly because I'm unsure of where to start. The past few weeks I've cancelled a few articles, all the reasons were legitimate, I was sick, I got caught up on another project, etc. But the main reason was simply trying to give myself more time. Desperately taking back time on my count down to 100. For no other reason then- I'm avoiding it.

It's gotten to the point that I even debated falsely labeling the 100th post as 101. Just, ya know, jumping right over it, because even if I keep canceling posts, I'm going to reach 100 eventually. The fact is, I am an overthinker at the best of times, but at the worst of times, I transform into a master of avoidance. Trying very much to embody the "out of sight, out of mind" mentality. I instead fill my time with content and projects that serve as literally no benefit to this site, because if we're being honest, avoidance is just another form of self sabotage in the end.

Why self sabotage at all? Well, I can't speak for others, but for me it feels like it has the most to do with not meeting my own expectations for myself. I set high expectations, that part of me knows I can never reach, and when I fail to meet them, how do I face myself again? How do I justify missing a mark outside of my reach? I don't have a reasonable answer, probably because there is none, so doesn't it make sense to avoid it? Because it's easier to justify avoidance then it is to justify failure...

But if I was being kind to myself, if I took a moment to treat myself as I would treat one of my friends, I know I would say things much differently. I would tell myself: It's honorable that you set high goals, but unfair that you purposefully set them outside of your own reach. I would say: What you accomplished on your own so far shouldn't be discounted based on things that haven't even happened yet- it's value remains on its own. I would try to make myself understand that my own timeline and my own progress can be measured by whatever I want it to be and is not as limited and confided as I try to keep trapping it. If I was being kind, I would let myself off the hook and see that it's okay to want more even if you're not quite there yet.

I'm trying to be more kind.

Post 100 isn't going to be what I envisioned. I need to stop avoiding that truth because it's not going to be out of sight much longer. I need to stop avoiding myself, because I kinda need me in order to grow beyond my own limitations. If I'm truly not happy with where I am, then I need to actually work in order to change it. A simple concept, not so simply executed, but a first step nonetheless. Yes, I'm trying to be kinder, and I hope you will allow yourself the same kindness too. Life is hard enough on its own, don't add to the stack against you. Fight for yourself, so that one day maybe you can see yourself a differently. Meeting a new you- I don't know, but it seems worth it to me. So, I'm going to give it my best and welcome the new Allison as we cross 100, and believe in her to reach more goals then I feel I was able. But this time, I'll make sure they are within her reach. I'm going to choose to be my own ally and see where that takes me. Something tells me that the answer will simply be: farther. And I like that quite a bit.

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Thank you for joining me for this sappy return of The Mess. Sometimes, I honestly don't know what I'm going to say when I sit down for these posts. Unlike Nerdom, which requires me to actually prep and take content into account, The Mess really embodies they idea of "messy". So, thank you for going through it with me. I hope you have a wonderful week, let's start strong and take it on by the horns! I'll be back Wednesday with some Nerdom, but in the meantime, stay safe and stay messy friends.