Beyond Me- Part One: With My Cup

The Mess is a space for me to be particularly...messy. But lately I've felt like a bit of a broken record- messy, but easier to pick up and put together. Today, I want to do something different.

I've been pondering this for a while, when I realized that I'm actually the boss of this blog, and can do whatever I want. With this knowledge now at the forefront of my mind, I now declare us in our first mini series for The Mess. Our title for this mini series shall be: "Beyond Me". More or less, I want this mini series to be about self reflection and application. Which I know is something we do already talk about on here, but I want this to be more nitty gritty. I say "more or less", because I'm well aware of my tendency to get off track at times or fall into rants, but we are going to ignore that for now and give this new experience a try! With all that being said, let's begin with: my cup.

I am a firm believer that human beings are meant to be relational. We are not solitary beings. This goes for even the most introverted of us, like me. Ask my therapist, ask my husband, ask any of my friends or immediate family- my clear, most natural habitat is when I am left alone. It is when you can see me actually relax to the fullest extent, and I am the least anxious. But it's not because I don't love my family or friends, it's simply because that is how I recharge. It's how I refill my cup.

We all have a cup- and all of our cups are different. Some are deeper and able to hold more, while others are a bit more shallow yielding only so much. They are different shapes and sizes, and they are uniquely crafted to each specific individual. These cups are important, they're vital to how we function every day, because you see these metaphorical cups hold what we have to give. It holds our time, our energy, our passion, our grief- it holds the part of us that we give to others. I've heard others refer to this as spoons, but since I was raised with cups, it's gonna be cups, so bare with me.

I pour quite a bit of my cup out for work. I pour more of my cup out for James, because he is my husband and I love him dearly. Those two are constant for me- never changing and will always take the most. But there are still other things you need to plan for. Factor in the portion of my cup that my family lays claim to (even my cats, they are just as important). Don't forget about each one of your friends. Do you volunteer? Add that portion in too. My doctors remind me my health needs more attention as well so I need to give to that as well. What is left of me in my cup when I'm done giving myself away?

That sounds depressing, but there is another function to the cup that I haven't mentioned. Just as a cup can pour its contents out, it can also be poured into. Sometimes that comes from you taking a step back and finding things that you can pour into yourself. Hobbies, passions, self care- these things replenish you. Introverts can maximize this effect through alone time, while extroverts can maximize it through social interaction. I would like to dive deeper into the differences between introverts and extroverts but we will save that for another time in this mini series. The point is: when it comes to me pouring into myself- I do that best alone, as I am very introverted. But if we back up to the beginning of this article, I talked about humans being relational. Because that is another way to fill your cup. Just as you pour into others, others pour into you.

It's a nice system if you look at the big picture. You pour into someone, and someone pour into you, that way, no ones cup goes empty...right? Wrong. Remember our cups are different sizes. What if you have a small cup and find yourself pouring into someone with a big cup? Or maybe, somewhere in the supply chain, someone pushed themselves too much or had a big life change that took too much our of their cup and now? They ran empty and can't pour into you at all. There are details here that are important for us to acknowledge. 1) You don't know what size cups others are holding. 2) You don't know the list of people and things they are pouring into at any give time. 3) Likewise, others don't know those details about you either.

We have to be empathic to the fact that we do not know everything that is going on in everyone else's lives, and we have to be aware enough to let others off the hook for not knowing those details about us either. The fact is, there are some people that will drain your cup faster than others, simply because that is what their cups demand. That doesn't make them bad, or mean you love them less when you have to take a step back to refill. Because you NEED to refill. Not for others, though that is an honorable sentiment, but for yourself. Remember that what you're giving is YOU, and YOU are precious. More so, you are not a renewable resource. You are finite, and therefore should be treated with care.

So, what do we do with this? It's simple really- we start paying attention. A good dose of self reflection will help you measure what kind of cup you are working with. How deep is your cup? How strong is it? Are there any cracks or leaks that you need to address? What fills your cup fastest? What fills your cup richly? After you identify some of these cup stats, you can start to see the patterns of drainage and refillment. Who fills you up? Who drains you? And at what rate are they doing these things. Once you have a good understanding of these sources, you might even find it possible to start planning things around your cup. Maybe you can't see certain people back to back. Maybe you can't do so many events in one month. Whatever knowledge you gain from these reflections, you can use to help keep your cup from going empty. Because we are not machines, we can't run on fumes when we're desperate. And even if you can, you can't do it indefinitely.

Evaluate your cup. Try to keep other's cups in mind. And don't feel guilty for protecting your cup when you need to, because again, what it holds is so precious- you.

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Thank you for joining me for this first installment of "Beyond Me" here on The Mess. I am really excited to do this mini series. As most things regarding The Mess, it's selfish. I want to remind all my readers, that I truly do hope that you take something away from this, but at the end of the day, I am always talking to myself first and foremost. Because, well, I'm a mess. That's my whole brand *waves around at all of this*! Even still, I hope we can all use this as we start a fresh new week. Thank you so much again, I hope to see you on Wednesday for some Nerdom. In the mean time, stay safe, and stay messy friends.