Boundaries By Anonymous

We have talked about some of these topics before, but now it will be presented to you by a very special guest. I love and respect this writer and know their words will reach you. Enjoy.

Toxic relationships and self destructive behavior

At what point do we become responsible for our place in a toxic relationship that we were thrown into without a choice? Victims don't ask for emotional or verbal abuse. It's never justified or okay, but at some point, do we become enablers if we keep allowing it to happen?

I spent most years of my life unable to recognize emotional abuse. Even verbal abuse was hard for me to accept as anything other than what I deserved because I truly thought I was broken, made wrong, a mistake, etc. It's not my fault I thought any of those things. That's the really tricky and clever part of emotional abuse - it comes with so much gaslighting, that victims don't even know they're victims most of the time. At least, that was my experience. Now that I'm aware, and can recognize toxic and abusive behavior, even when it involves me, I feel somewhat validated in knowing that my self loathing isn't entirely my fault, if it's my fault at all. Sometimes these days, I even like myself. Like, a lot.

But -

I did have to choose to stop getting close to the things that hurt me. I had to choose to have boundaries. Well, after I learned what a boundary even was, and how to even use them and put them up, and not feel guilty about them. This entire process is still a challenge, but it has helped tremendously. It has helped me to spend more time loving myself, dwell in the peaceful moments, have more emotional energy to offer my partner and friends, be more active, eat healthier, etc. etc. etc.

People - boundaries are essential for our well being. If you grew up with toxic relationships in your family, or experienced toxic relationships with others, this is a tool you'll need to survive. In my very NOT professional opinion. I'm not a real counselor.

I feel really strongly about this, especially lately, because I see so many of my friends suffering from ongoing emotional abuse. I see how much damage it inflicts on all of our daily lives. It's not like we have this fleeting moment with a gaslighter/abuser/toxic person, fight with them, and then carry on. It's weighs on us for the rest of the day, week, month, forever. I'm currently in some sort of fight/flight/freeze/fawn mode because of a small ("small") fight I had with someone days ago.

I have this creeping, taunting feeling over me, everywhere I go, even when I'm not focused on the fight. I feel jittery and my chest is tight. Sleep is fleeting. My body aches more than usual. My appetite is all over the place. It's been days of this, and this is much better than it was in the past because I am SO INTENTIONAL about practicing healthy habits that I know are good for me. Habits that took me a long time to learn and practice regularly. Habits that are not intentionally self destructive, like they used to be.

I had a moment the other day when I thought, "I've done so much to improve in my life and get better. I've done so much to help myself. Why am I still going through this? Why are these things still a problem?"

I think I found the hard answer.

I still need more boundaries. I didn't put up enough with this person.

My entire life I attempted communication. Well, I attempted that when I wasn't graveling, crying, panicking, obeying, blindly following, blaming myself, etc.

I did, though, I tried to explain. I tried talking. Pretty recently, even.

Boundaries are the only thing that have ever provided a semblance of peace, and they are also okay AND healthy to have.

Before I go farther, I want to also say that anxiety and depression are things that might not ever go away for me. I have both. They're my constant companions. So to answer the question I asked myself earlier, I'm still going through this stuff because I will probably always have these companions somewhat close by.

That's okay.

I've learned to accept them, because I also know how to tame them now.

Things can be better, though.

So this is what I really want to say to everyone I love:

I know it's so hard, and it's not your fault. I'm so sorry you're going through this, again, and it keeps haunting you and hurting you. It *is* unfair, and you don't deserve it, but you are strong, and now it's in your hands to change your future. Only you can stop this cycle, and you might have to make some severe cuts, and put up some thick boundaries, and it won't feel good.

Until it does.

P.S.

Having boundaries with toxic people, and having walls around abusers does not mean you are a person with walls. It does not mean you are closed off to people. It does not mean you're too sensitive, defensive, or difficult.

It means you're a survivor, and you did what you had to in those areas of your life to be okay.

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This is Allipwells just wanting to say, thank you for tuning in to this very special edition of The Mess. I loved having our Anonymous Special Guest, and hope you did as well. A HUGE thank you to them for all they do for me and for this blog, I am eternally grateful. I hope their words resonate with you and help start you on a path to a new chapter. Let's start this week just as fresh and I will see you all back here on Wednesday for some Nerdom! In the meantime, stay safe, stay well, and stay messy friends.