Celebrating The Holidays From This Side Of Dysfunction

Sometimes families can be hard. Which can make the holidays a little harder too. Today we discuss the difficulties of approaching the holiday season and how to keep ourselves afloat.

All families look a little different. Unfortunately, one of the different looks a family can take on is dysfunctional. Now, this is a precarious subject to navigate but I am hoping we can manage to agree on one thing: no one wants to feel bad on the holidays. You don't want to feel overwhelmed, anxious, coerced, trapped, or any other ugly emotion. But we also can't control those around us, so what do we do?

I think it is important to say early on, as a disclaimer, if you find yourself in a abusive family situation, or overly toxic environment, you are under no obligation to stay, or even go for that matter. There are different levels of dysfunction and we need to be honest about them. "Well, they're family," has no place here. Blood does not give anyone the right to hurt or bind you to a place or people that hurt you. If you cannot free yourself, reach out. If you cannot find strength, let these words reach you: you deserve happiness, you deserve safety, you deserve more. There is no shame in walking away from people who don't want the best for you. It is not selfish, it is survival, and you can do this.

But what about those who don't find themselves on such an extreme side of the spectrum? The dysfunction that already has you drained at just the prospect of this holiday season? I have recently found that there is something that we can do. Say it with me: boundaries. Boundaries for your family and boundaries for your self. It is not easy to do but it makes a difference when upheld. Talking with different friends and walking with them on their paths of dysfunctional families, as well as my own, has taught me that there is no one that will guard, protect, and honor my boundaries- except me.

Don't get me wrong, you can have people who support and cheer for you, but in the moments when those boundaries are challenged, you are your only defense in sticking to your word. So, what will you do? Let the walls cave the moment they push too hard? Look at the wreckage and say, "this was never going to work anyway"? At some point, I think you will find yourself in a similar place as I have found myself in. You just become tired of being tired. There are often times when I feel as if everything is out of my control. What I am finding out, on my quest for a life of non-tiredness, is that there are more and more things that are in my control. For example, I may not have the power to change those who hurt me but I do have the capabilities to remove myself from situations that hurt me. I also have the capability to say "no" a lot more often than I knew to be possible. Those two changes in my own mindset are already making a world of difference. And they are changes you can make as well.

I do not take the struggle of navigating dysfunctional family lightly. It is probably one of the hardest demons I have had to face. That I still face, and one that I know I will probably have to continue to face for the rest of my life. But here are some truths that I repeat to myself when I find myself in particularly low defense moments:

1) I cannot change them, I cannot change how they feel or who they are, but I can change me.

2) Just as I don't want their expectations on me, I should not place my expectations on them.

3) If I don't want to be apart of their cycle, or their game, then the answer isn't to keep playing bitterly or to play to win, the answer is to remove yourself from the game completely.

And finally,

4) I know, at the end of the day, who loves me, who cares for me beyond words. And THAT love cannot be diminished by the lack of kindness or consideration of others.

The holidays can be incredibly hard for some people, I know they are for me. But I challenge you to go into this season with a different mindset. Don't get me wrong, it is still going to be hard, but that is because we are still learning to love ourselves in a new way. Go into this holiday season knowing some new truths about yourself: that you are capable of more and you deserve more. Do not be battered down by others simply out of an obligation you feel you have in your role in the family. Do not set up expectations that you know will fail. Do not charge into a battle that there is no reason to fight. And absolutely, do not go in already feeling defeated. Nothing has happened yet, you are not a psychic, the wind of change can sweep you up if you'll let it. This holiday season strengthen your guard, protect your heart with healthy boundaries, and stick to them. Change your mindset on the roles you've assigned not only to yourself but to others, and while you're at it change those expectations too. Most importantly, remember that you are loved and no one can take that away from you.

I truly hope you all have an amazing holiday this week. I hope that this article brings you some food for thought before the food for your belly and that both bring you rest. Know that I will be praying for each and every one of you and your families.

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Thank you so much for tuning into The Mess tonight! I invite you all to join me back on Wednesday in Nerdom here on My Mess. Finish the work/school week strong, have a wonderful Thanksgiving break, and don't forget to stay messy.