Changing You

Being unique human beings, we are all motivated by different things. It's time we start acting like it, and then acting on it.

Self help books, motivational speakers, life coaches, personal trainers- what do these all have in common? I'm sure we could point out a few things, but what I'm zeroing in on is: self -motivation. These people talk about the techniques they've found to motivate themselves and change their lives. Now this is by no means a bash post on these people. In fact, I think it's amazing that they found something that works for them and want to share their success with others so that they can also change their lives for the better. But what happens when you try all those things and none of them stick? Are you unworthy of a better life since these techniques didn't work for you? Are you incapable of change? No. Not even close. It's just not your answer.

Not to say that there is a singular answer for each individual. I should probably say instead- it's not your process. That technique can work for so many people, but it's impossible for it to work for everyone. We are each uniquely made, and similar to other aspects that make up our originality (our likes, dislikes, mannerisms, etc.), there are differences in our motivations as well. And I don't see anything wrong with that. Again, I am not discrediting the above exampled professions, if they help you please continue to follow their guidance. I'm more of speaking to those who struggle with change because they don't have a grand standing reason to do so. Maybe I should provide an example...

My aunt and I have always been very similar in our love for food, our appetites, and even similar in body figure. Recently, we went out to dinner for my mothers birthday and she wasn't ordering like normal. She was very selective and controlled when usually we would be using the special occasion as an excuse to be... well, pigs. I knew she had started working out and I had vaguely heard she was on a diet, but I didn't think it was so serious. We eventually got to talking about it and she said she just had a moment where she decided: I want to feel better. Now I get that sentiment on a spiritual level, but something about that moment for her allowed her to completely change her lifestyle. I definitely made fun of her a bit because she was being super intense about it but she shrugged me off and said, "If I stick to this now, I'll never have to start back from square one again." That hit me a little different.

I have a pretty unique professional history [that is an article for another time] but I want to point out a saying that has stuck with me throughout my life: a person is not capable of change for someone else, it has to be for themselves. This is a saying I picked up in two separate places, working in ministry and working in mental health. This saying is usually directed at addicts, if I am being completely honest, but honestly it rings true for everyone. People are just not capable of concrete change when it is solely for others. That absence of self conviction results in relapse or just out right failure to even make it to the first safe point of your goal. You have to WANT the change you are trying to see, and you need to have a reason for going for it. What I'm challenging today is the weight of that reason that pushes you forward.

I have failed at so many things in my life. I'm still failing, and I know I will continue to experience failures through out my life. But I have a couple goals now that I actually feel pretty good about. Goals that I have failed during pervious attempts. Goals that I had put so much pressure on myself for, and when the failure came I felt the crushing weight of it. Eventually I asked myself, wouldn't it be easier to run without all this extra weight? Such a simple solution...We put all this pressure on ourselves rather then just using the natural unique motivators that we already have to move forward.

How about another example? The past couple weeks I've been going to the gym again. This is a failure that I've experienced too often, and I didn't want to keep starting over again. So, what could I do differently? I put on an anime that had characters working hard to better themselves. I put my head phones on, ignored those around me and let my passion for anime, for these characters, for the story of self improvement to motivate me. I've had better performance in the gym than I ever have. Would this work for you? Probably not, it's a little weird I know, but I bet there is something that you're passionate about, that inspires you, that could have the same impact.

Want a weirder example? Fine, I got that. A couple weeks ago I saw a TikTok about the difference between taking care of curly hair verses straight hair. My mom and sister have straight hair, so even though I had curly hair I always took care of it the same as they took care of theirs. After seeing that TikTok I wondered what it would be like to take care of myself based on me rather then just based off of someone else's care. Because I am not my aunt, I can't motivate myself the same way she does. And I'm not my mom, turns out I shouldn't treat my hair the same way she does. I'm just me. I'm a nerd who cries at anime and uses it to go further in my work out journey. I'm a curly haired mess who needed to learn what co-washing was. I'm just an individual finding out all the things that make me uniquely me and then learning how to use that knowledge to carve a better life for myself.

What is it that motivates you? It doesn't have to be grand standing, it can be small, like anime. What would make you drop all that weight you put on your shoulders as you stagger towards a goal, any goal? What would make you want to change for you? There is wisdom in seeking guidance from those who have run the race and won, just keep in mind that you are uniquely you, and there is no set formula. Be prepared to be flexible with your methods, to actually ensure success rather than just breed more failure. Do what works for you, and maybe you can find joy amongst the process. Maybe we can all start to change for ourselves.

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Thank you for joining me for this installment of The Mess. Working towards a better life is difficult and full of struggle and hard work, but if we can stick through it, the reward will be incredible. With that being said, let's start this week off strong! I will be back on Wednesday for some Nerdom! Until then, stay safe, and stay messy my friends!