Forcefully Breaking

Sometimes opportunities are only made when you force them into existence. I did that this weekend/week and this is how I am feeling about it.

Early on, here in The Mess, we talked about self care and I still stand by everything I said. Now, think of this as a small part two and a public example of me walking the walk instead of just blogging the blog. This is a big deal because, though I hope readers are taking something away from this blog, it is also written from me, to me. So, if you ever feel called out by my blog, know that I am calling myself out, first and foremost. Because truth be told, I am not always kind to myself, can you relate to that? If so, try to relate to this too: when I have a moment where I can be kind to myself, I am really trying to take more advantage of that. And by writing it here, hopefully someone else can find kindness too, but also I can have accountability for trying to do better. For trying to be better.

So, what did I do? I took off work. Ooooooh scary, right? Maybe not for some of you, others might find it just as stressful as I do. But the ending note is: it is scary for me. I have talked about my job once before, and though I will try not to talk about it much more, I will have to talk about it today. Specifically, how I never take off work. I don't for a few reasons, the most obvious being money, deeper reasons being how my boss is extremely needy and is always making a fuss whenever I try to leave.

This time of year is particularly hard because I have fixed PTO. I am only allotted to take so many paid days off a year and I do not get sick time or holiday pay for the holidays we are closed. That makes taking a day off stressful enough. It becomes more stressful when you realize that your boss is going to close your place of employment for two weeks straight for the Christmas/New Years holidays. Now, I knew this since the beginning of the year. I could have chosen to save all my days and apply them to that time period. I didn't. Some went to sick time- I was in the hospital this year with some health problems. Other time went to vacation time that my husband could actually take, because he does not get the same time off I do. No matter what it went to, it didn't go to those two weeks. Why am I stressing this? Because, sometimes choosing self care is not easy.

If it wasn't for my husband, James, I would definitely either work myself to death or stress myself to death. That is a truth I am constantly aware of. Here is another truth, my husband loves his family so much, and so do I. My in-laws live in Minnesota, however, and seeing them is difficult due to all of our different work schedules and the distance. When it came to the holidays this year, we desperately wanted to see them, but also knew James' work schedule would not match up with my time off. So, I had to make a choice. Take off even more time that I wouldn't get paid for and that would make my boss frantic, but would also give me a much needed break from a stressful environment and replace it with a safe space and people that love and support me? Or stay, get paid, get stressed, and lose moments with family that both my husband and I desperately need?

I am not always nice to myself. But I am trying. Today, I am trying from Minnesota. My anxiety and stress tried everything, it genuinely put up a rough fight. But I found I was able to face my boss after all, I was also able to put my work phone on Do Not Disturb (which James will tell you is quite a feat), I am able to leave and focus on my family and myself. And I am so happy that I did. I have got to spend time with people who do nothing but fill my love tank and my belly with yummy food. I have got to do things I enjoy and nothing that I don't. This is 100% a selfish trip and I am learning that, that is okay.

So, when was the last time you were nice to yourself? When was the last time your anxiety, depression, stress, any mental illness for that matter, lost its battle, and you came out on top instead? You don't have to take off work and travel a few states to win. Small victories are what lead to big ones, and even outside of that, small victories are still victories. Celebrate them. Celebrate you.

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Thank you so much for tuning in tonight for The Mess here on My Mess. I know this was a little more personally focused today but I just wanted to share my heart with you guys. Know that there are plenty of hard days in between these posts but there are also victories too. And that is what I want to see for all of you as well, victory. I hope to see you all back on Wednesday in Nerdom, until then, stay messy and seize victory.

Selfie credit to me being over joyed by finally having my Caribou sparkling tea <3