Getting To 50

Tonight I take a pause to reflect on my journey to 50 posts here on My Mess. The ups, the downs, the twists, and my thoughts now that I'm here.

It's funny when I look back on the day I made this website. I feel like I've always been full of half-baked ideas - projects I wanted to start but never did, or projects I did start but never finished. The day I made My Mess, something in me just finally snapped. I was incredibly frustrated with my inaction. A writer that doesn't write doesn't have a purpose. I had been writing a book for the last three years and was nowhere close to where I wanted to be. My perfectionism halted me in my tracks, and I hadn't written in months. I was miserable at my job. I was drowning in the mundaneness of what felt like a purposeless life.

Though the thought of starting a blog had been in the back of my mind for awhile, the active thought of starting one hadn't really been present. Without really knowing what I was doing, I stormed upstairs, grabbed my laptop, stormed back downstairs, sat at the kitchen table and made a blog. It was as if my body was telling me, "If we don't act now, we never will," and I think it was right. A writer needs to write, just like an artist needs to create or a musician needs to play. Which is why I always encourage you to do so, because I know all too well how it feels to not do what I was made to do. I believe we all have our talents for a reason. Maybe I was made to write just so one person could be impacted by something I say, and they can go on and change their world. If I don't write, though, will they still be moved? Will they still change? What impact can I leave on the world if I never do anything? Words were meant to be read or listened to, art was meant to be seen, and your talents were meant to be in this world and impact it. That is what I truly believe.

Maybe I started this blog to run away from my book. Maybe I did it to satisfy this hunger in my soul for a purpose I was doubting existed. Maybe it's not that deep, and I just needed an outlet to let that frustration out. Whatever the reason was, I did it. I made a website, I posted regularly, and it wasn't until about two weeks ago that I realized that I had actually created something. I created something and haven't given up on it. This shook my very core, because for as long as I could remember I had always left things unfinished. My freshman year in high school, a boy told me that I had never, and would never, finish anything. Those powerful words echoed in my mind ever since. I don't know if it was true back then, but somehow I think I adopted it as my truth moving forward. A truth I now reject and denounce, because it isn't mine at all.

My Mess is far from finished, so I guess I can't say I've finished something quite yet. But there's certainly a power in not giving up. There's also a power in realizing that you actually want to keep going. At the beginning of this journey, I thought no one would read it, and I was fine writing for myself. When people actually wanted to read what I had to say, I was shocked and motivated. It was encouraging at first, but weeks when views were down discouraged me even more. There were a few times I wanted to abandon all the ideas and visions I had for My Mess. I wanted to scrap it all and pretend like it never happened, but thankfully there were always people around who knew I needed this. James was always there to encourage me to keep going, my number one supporter in everything. My number one fan, my grandmother, messaged me after every single article. Receiving those messages has become my favorite part of the week. Any time my friends and family members had anything to say also made me feel great, because I knew they were reading. Knowing that my support was bigger than it seemed made a difference. There were even a few divinely timed interventions when readers would reach out and tell me that something really struck a cord with them. Those messages kept me rooted in my resolve more than anything. Even in the low moments, I was constantly reminded of my new truth: I am a writer, I was made to write, and I am going to keep writing.

I'm thankful to celebrate 50 articles on My Mess. Getting here has been a surreal journey. I think what I'm really thankful for is that I now know I am capable of change and growth. I'm appreciating this newer version of me, and I think we will get along a lot better than I did with the old me. I'm thankful for 50, and I'm excited to meet the next me at 75, and then 100, because after all, we are never done growing. I hope you all continue to grow, too. I hope you take your talents head on to see where they lead you. I hope when you do, you can see that the journey doesn't need to be mundane or pointless, it can be more. I can see more for all of us on the horizon. So let's use our mess to push us forward towards it.

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Thank you for joining me for post 50 on My Mess. It has been a pleasure writing for you all every week. I hope you'll continue to join me because the future of My Mess hold bright things. Know that even as we go into our next chapter, I will still be here every Sunday with The Mess and every Wednesday with Nerdom. I hope you're all having a wonderful holiday weekend. Make sure to relax, recoup your energy, and start your week strong on Tuesday. I'll be there to greet you on Wednesday, but in the meantime, as always, stay safe, stay nerdy, and stay messy, my friends.

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I have no idea what lies ahead. But I've taken the first steps. We're still in the middle of our journey. - Arima Kousei