Mother's May

To all the mother's out there, thank you for all that you do. This day is for you, but this month has always been for my mother.

Motherhood is messy. I don't say that from a mother's perspective, but from a daughter's perspective of my mother, and my relationship with her. I said this day is for mothers, but this month is for my mother. That has been the case my whole life. May has Mother's Day and my mom's birthday, so early on in my childhood she claimed the whole month. Recently, I vowed to be more honest with my mess, and I don't think I could get messier than this topic. Because while most peoples reflections on Mother's Day is how thankful they are for their mother, my reflections are based on how I want to move forward.

This is not to say I'm not thankful for, or to, my mother, because I am. But thankfulness showed through one day of action doesn't reflect the other 364 days of the year. The truth is, I don't have a great relationship with my mother. We are stereotypically alike in all the wrong ways, and different in all the wrong ways. We have rarely seen eye to eye and most of our relationship has been strained. But I love my mother. Every year as "Mother's May" approaches, I get exhausted. I get exhausted and I get sentimental. I begin to think of all the things that frustrate me about my mother, and try to end on all the things I appreciate. Like how outgoing she is, her ability to dream without bounds, and even her ability to not care what others think. I admire those parts of her. But thankfulness and admiration have never been enough for me.

I have written articles in the past about cutting toxic family. I definitely do believe in that wholeheartedly. Some of you might even be struggling today because the person you cut off was indeed your mom. My condolences if that's the case. But this isn't one of those messages. Today I want to talk about the option of healing. Because around Mother's Day, though I'm thankful, my focus becomes healing. The idea of a better relationship moving forward fills my mind. The fact is, there are some relationships in your life that take a little more work, a little more patience, and a little more compassion. Unfortunately, another fact is, I am by no means a patient person. But patience is a virtue, and I would like to try to grow. Every relationship takes both people, and I know my faults. I know I am quick to anger, and I know that I can be rigid when it comes to responsibilities, amongst many other faults I know I have.

Cutting toxic family off is hard; I've done it. But choosing healing has been harder. It takes more work, more reflection on how you can do better, as well as more accountability for the relationship itself. There is also never a guarantee that healing can be reached. But what if you did reach it? Can you imagine what life would be like? Every Mother's Day I reflect on the past year: "Was I good to my mother? What can I do better in the next year? Where do I want to be a year from now with my mother?" And that is exactly what I will do again this year. I can't say we met the goals I had since last Mother's Day. But as long as we are both still trying, I won't count it as a loss.

I love my mother. Despite our differences and our disagreements, I am willing to keep fighting for her. For us. If you find yourself feeling strained with your mother, I hope you can find a balance for you to walk forward on. I hope you find a building block to start repairs. I hope you find a goal worth striving towards and an image of better times to hold you up as you continue your journey. Sometimes you need to cut ties to protect yourself, other times you need to make sacrifices to heal. My prayer is that we all be given the discernment to tell the difference between the two.

This has been a heavy topic but I do hope that everyone has a very happy Mother's Day. For the mom: have a relaxing, pampering day. For the family: be appreciative, and keep in mind these thoughts and feelings more than just today. For the moms that have lost children: know that we are all celebrating you. No matter what your role is today, I hope that you find a place to turn your face to the sun and decide to grow and do better tomorrow. Happy Mother's Day.

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Thank you for joining me for this special holiday installment of The Mess. I hope you found something in this today. If not, thank you for the solidarity anyway. Also, I would like to give a huge shout out to Chase Horan, my younger sister, for guest writing this past Wednesday as I got settled in to my new job. Thank you, Chase! She did a great job, and I really enjoyed the collaboration. I hope you all have a wonderful week, start off strong, and join me on Wednesday for some Nerdom. In the mean time, never forget to stay safe and stay messy, my friends.