My Messy Mosaic

How we become who we are is a messy process, mostly because it isn't a solitary journey. No, it is in fact influenced by all the people who happened upon your path a long the way.

Warning: we are getting deep and cheesy today. This will be my only disclaimer.

I'm always extra sentimental on this day. Every year I find myself thinking about the impact others have had on me and wondering what impact I had on them as our paths diverged. The concept of different versions of me living in others' minds has always intrigued me to a probably unhealthy degree. Who am I to them? Do they tell stories about me? What songs or smells or flowers or places remind someone of me? Unfortunately, I find it easier to recognize who I am a villain to rather than who I am a hero to. Even though the fact of the matter is, it is probably more common for all us to have impacted others in smaller ways. Maybe it's just easier to look at those extremes than to face the ones that you didn't impact at all? Complacency is scary at any stage, but I try to be hopeful that I had some impact, somewhere, in the hearts of those who also impacted me.

I think about these two posts a lot, and more often than not, I think about them together. I think about what my mosaic looks like and who picked out the different pieces of glass to add to the picture a long the way. I also think about what I want the true version of me to look like, and I find that I've connected these ideas. At the end of the day, I want to look as beautiful as my mosaic, even if only I can see it. And yet, I know if I could show you all I would.

I don't have any tattoos but I have had ideas for what I would want done for a long time. One of my original ideas, that has never wavered, was that I wanted a flower sleeve on my right arm. Each flower would represent a person in my life. Some family, some friends, some loved ones lost, all people who impacted me. I feel like that idea should make sense, at least to some people. But I wonder if people would understand me still wanting to add flowers of people who weren't in my life for a long time? People who came and went. People who probably don't think of me as often as I think of them. I still want them there, in my garden, because they are already in my mosaic and this way I can show my mosaic to others all in one.

I've thought about this topic every year on this day for the past 4 years, and I don't doubt that I will for the rest of my life. Because people come and go but the impact they have on us will always be there. Why are your favorite things (food, song, movie, book, etc.) your favorite things? Why do you have the mannerisms you do? Why do you still remember long gone peoples birthdays? Because you loved them. Because they changed something in you. And whether you felt at the time that it was for better or for worse, you are your present-self because of those whose lives connected with yours for even a moment. Today is a day I take for reflection: on who I am, on who I was, on my relationships both past and present; and on regrets, why I have them and to learn from them moving forward.

I do apologize that today is a little deep, a little cheesy, a little all over the place, and overall more than a little messy, but I hope you can take a step back and look at your mosaic. Look at your mosaic and reflect on all the artists that participated in it's creation. Look at your mosaic and realize that it's not finished yet and there are plenty more artists you have yet to meet. Look at the version of yourself that only you can see and find either peace or redemption with them, and know that they can change too if you don't like what you see. Reflection is a powerful tool for life, that we could probably all use more of- but don't get trapped in it. Take your day and then keep moving forward, because there a more people out there that are waiting for your artistry to touch their lives, just as you are still waiting on others as well. Be mindful of the pieces you add to others, send them with love and grace when you can, and don't be ashamed if you can't.

We are all pieces of art in the making, contributing to each other endlessly. The process is messy but when the light shines through it, it's brilliant and stunning. And to that I am honored to have been worked on by all of you.

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Thank you for joining me for this weird post. There are times when I take advantage of this blog being mine and today was definitely one of them. I'm sorry for the selfishness but I am thankful for the purge. I hope we can all go into this next week refreshed and new! I will be back Wednesday with some Nerdom, but until then, stay safe, stay positive, and stay messy my friends.

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Happy birthday to the dandelion in my garden. I hope whatever piece of me you possess is as beautiful as the piece you left me with.