Some More Mess Please

We have been pretty light-hearted here on The Mess, as of late. That's not for the lack of mess, because trust me, we have plenty of that.

I got an editor this week. Spoiler alert: it's my friend Bethany. We had a little pow wow upon submitting my first article to her and ended up talking about my goals for the site. We also talked about what my objective was with the different segments of the site. When we reached The Mess, she confronted me that it really hadn't been that messy. She asked me why. That was a good question to ask because genuinely it hadn't been that messy. I reflected on a comment I received a few months back after a messy post. I remembered that I told myself that I would not allow said comment to hold me back. Then I realized that, I definitely had started pulling my punches. All of which has brought me here.

I do not regret anything I have written on this site, let me make that clear. But I also know that I named this adventure "My Mess" for a reason. I often looked at my life and found it very...messy. At first I was ashamed of that. With time, though, I realized that everyone's lives are messy, just in their own unique way. That made looking and dealing with my particular mess a bit easier, because I realized the mess I was faced with wasn't due to me being "a failure" but rather because life is just messy. Taking that little nugget of knowledge, when I started My Mess, I knew that I wanted to share that knowledge. I wanted to work through The Mess together. I thought about that all week after my conversation with Bethany. Which brings me to this thought: I apologize. I apologize for shying away from some of the messier aspects of life. The aspects we need to know we are not alone with. Not to say we can't ever be light-hearted here, but the main purpose of The Mess is getting to work through it together. Starting with me writing, and continuing with you reading. That's the arrangement, that's the deal. So, let's start again.

My friends know that one of the messier parts of my life has always been my job. Working in mental health is draining on its own without the extra difficulties I found myself facing. Toxic co-workers, toxic bosses, not to mention that my mother also works at the same facility. That fact makes it onto the list because there is something about not having a reprieve that really buries the last nail into the coffin. Without going into too much detail, I finally found myself at a point where I was making extra therapy appointments for myself after work. To go and have a safe space to cry because I didn't feel I had anywhere else to go. My boss would call and text me all hours of the day and night. But at least in therapy I could have an hour without my phone. I could have an hour without the aggression and animosity I was constantly faced with. And it was in that hour that I was asked for the thousandth time, "Why don't you quit, Allison?"

My friends, my family, my therapist, my husband, everyone! They all asked me this questions for three years. I always had an excuse: money, lack of opportunity, there are more positives than negatives, the patients, the staff that don't treat me like garbage. I had so many answers. Not to say that some of those weren't real concerns. Actually, all of them were real concerns. But when my therapist asked me this time, I found I didn't have any answers left. All that was left in my space for storing excuses was fear, and as I sat there shaking on that couch, I found that the fear wasn't enough. I went home and told James I was done. I couldn't keep working there any longer. He was relieved, because as much as this job was killing me, it was hurting him too. Having to watch someone you love suffer is a horrible experience. An experience that I dread for myself but hadn't put enough consideration into the reverse being true as well.

He had to watch me get torn apart, he had to help pick up the pieces, he had to take the time to help tend to the repairs through the healing process, and even more I'm sure. I am eternally grateful to have such a patient and compassionate partner. However, I wish I could have spared both of us a bit sooner. There is no going back, but I know that now, and I will carry that feeling with me moving forward. There is also the fact that I get to tell all of you, and hope you don't wait as long as I did to correct such a big mistake. But correct it I did. After that night, I started making moves on an opportunity I had written off a few months prior. Leaving didn't happen as fast as I wanted it too. Quarantine didn't help our time line either. But after almost two months of working on this, I am happy to say I left. This past Wednesday was my last day, and tomorrow is my first day with a new company.

I did it. I did something that six months ago I would have thought was impossible. To some this might seem dramatic. If you are one of those people I am very glad for you because that means you have never been stuck in a position where you felt trapped. For those of you who know that feeling, now know this: you can do it too. I have been very blessed with connections, and I will not deny that for a second. But connections can be made, and opportunities can come. My biggest advice is not to sit around and wait for it. The opportunity I ended up going with was one I had nursed for a while but never acted on, because I was waiting for something different. Let me say that even if you're waiting for a certain kind of opportunity, you can wait on it somewhere that is less detrimental to your health (mental, physical, or both). That is the lesson I wish, I could have learned sooner. I am filled with many different emotions moving into this next chapter. However, I am glad that the paralyzing fear that I am normally plagued with on Sunday nights is now nowhere to be seen. More than anything, I want that for you all as well.

This is some of my mess. Not all of it, maybe not even the messiest part of it, but here it is all the same. Today I am choosing to paint a new picture with this mess, and I hope you can create something out of your mess, too.

---

Thank you so much for joining me for this very honest installment of The Mess. I hope you have a very relaxing evening, and a strong start to your week tomorrow. Hang in there, be safe, and I will see you back this Wednesday for another installment of Nerdom here on My Mess. Remember: don't pull your punches, and stay messy my friends.

---

There are two cringe worthy phrases in one’s life that must be said, no matter what...'Thank you' and 'I'm sorry'. -Wei Wuxian