Stuck In My Throat

Chest pain, sensory overload, trembling, the need to scream or run but finding you can't. If you've ever felt the overwhelming sensations that anxiety brings, then than you know true mess.

I'm not sure when my anxiety started. There are moments when I cannot remember a time without it, but surely I wasn't always this way, was I? It has become such an integral part of who I am, or at least that's what my anxiety certainly thinks. If you looked at anxiety attacks like mountains and valleys on a line graph, my baseline would still be a buzz and not flat. I wanted to share this topic today because I have learned that my anxiety is not part of who I am. It doesn't make me quirky. it doesn't make me a misunderstood writer. It's just something I have. Just like all of my other medical conditions, so I should treat it as such.

Unlike my other conditions, though, I definitely feel like my anxiety walks with me. Like a shadow, attached but separate, visible but without substance. Yet even as I say that, somehow I feel that anxiety is still able to rob me. That is where my focus takes us today. Anxiety can be manageable, but if you don't watch it, it can rule over you with a strong hand. I say that from more experience than I'd care to admit. It's a strong hand that grips me and makes all my thoughts and feelings get stuck in my throat as I slowly suffocate. That is an outcome I was trapped with for so long, but I have also found that it is important to know your opponent.

I know my anxiety traps and robs me. It robs me of joy, relaxation, opportunities, relationships, and so much time. Knowing that, knowing my triggers, and knowing how I respond when my anxiety spikes to a danger point, is exactly what has been allowing me to conquer it. If I know something or someone is a trigger, I can either avoid it, or prepare myself before hand. If I am slapped in the face by an unexpected trigger and start to choke, I have made prearranged signs for my husband and sister to respond accordingly. I personally become nonverbal during bad anxiety attacks. This makes communication impossible in the moment. But after a long talk explaining to my family what it feels like to be in an attack, we agreed that something had to change.

After all, it would be beneficial for all of us to know what's going on and be able to take actions steps during an anxiety attack. That way, they are not making things worse for me, and they are not experiencing any backlash out of nowhere. So, we made some steps. Step one was making a hand sign that was clear enough that they would know what was happening, but simple enough that I could execute it before completely unraveling. Step two was knowing some questions they should ask me that I could nod to. For example: "Do you need to be taken somewhere quiet?" "Is it okay to touch you?" "Do you want to be alone?". James actually has an additional step. The therapist that was helping me at the peak of my anxiety taught James a grounding exercise that he could walk me through. This has turned out to be an incredibly beneficial tool that we have used ever since to help get me out of my head and back to reality, where I can reason with the situation properly.

This exercise can be done by yourself, but I find it particularly effective when used with someone else guiding you. All these precautions were taken to help me successfully escape the trap that my anxiety sets. It was to help lessen what anxiety can steal from me. From there I was able to build a bit more confidence in my internal confrontations.

I won't lie and say I don't still lose the fight sometimes, but I will say that I do keep fighting. And I am winning more of the battles because of it. Anxiety is a hard foe to face alone. Having an army, a good therapist, and people who love and support you, makes a difference. As well as some heavy self reflection, because that is where you gather the intel needed to be victorious in the next battle. I would also say, don't be afraid to talk to your doctor about medications or getting your medical card, if you feel like your anxiety is too much. We all deserve a better quality of life than what anxiety and other mental (and physical) illnesses present to us. Remove that hand from your throat, cough up the thoughts and feelings that are clogging you, and take a deep breath. You are alive. That is a miracle that I am so grateful for. I am so proud of you. Thank you for fighting through today, and know that I will be just as grateful and just as proud tomorrow.

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Thank you so much for tuning into this heavy installment of The Mess. If you are feeling plagued with mental illness today, please reach out. I hope you found something helpful here. Know that My Mess is here for you every Sunday and Wednesday. I am looking forward to this Wednesday's article, so make sure to tune in then. In the mean time, I hope you have a wonderful week! Always remember: stay safe and stay messy my friends.