Thoughts On Giving Up

When things get hard there really are only two options: give up or keep going.

I think about giving up a lot. I think about giving up on my dreams because they seem too far out of my reach. I think about giving up on my health because it often feels like there will never be a solution or a doctor who cares enough. I think about giving up on myself and on my growth because sometimes I'm easily discouraged when I don't see progress in the timeline that I want. Yes, I think about giving up a lot and that is exactly why I took a hiatus, because I realized that though I think about giving up a lot, I don't think any of us ever really want to. You want to keep fighting but sometimes it just becomes so hard and that is precisely when those thoughts of giving up begin.

I have had problems with my health for majority of my life. I've explained in past posts that for a long time doctors didn't believe me. In fact some of my family didn't even believe me. They all felt I was much too young to have so many of the problems I was experiencing. Despite their thoughts, my body disagreed, no matter how much I told it that I was too young, it didn't seem to care too much and just kept declining to get better. I struggled through high school with an immense amount of pain and by college I found myself asleep much more than I was awake. Bedridden for weeks at a time and constantly in and out of the hospital. I did get some answers during that time but no doctor would treat me. It wasn't until I was 22 years old that I finally found a doctor who would listen. She found a slew of things wrong with me, some of which were preventable had doctors listened sooner but at that point the damage was done. I started treatment that year for multiple different diagnoses. I improved in comparison to the previous years but was still not...healthy. I decided to be thankful for the treatment I was given and to not push matters further. I was fine living with my baseline being different than those around me. I accepted that I would have limitations. I had settled on good enough because it was more than I had ever been given before when it came to my health- That is until good enough was not enough anymore.

Last year I started to see my health declining again. I mentioned it to my doctor and agreed to some blood work but I didn't want to get too carried away. I wasn't about to trade in my "good enough" for "not enough" and start my struggle with doctors all over again. I needed to be grateful for "good enough". The tests showed a couple of problems that the doctors didn't like. The "you're too young" started to leak back into the conversations. I will admit I became tired very quickly, not that it's an excuse, but I almost felt I had a right to give up. So I did. I gave up on seeking answers and tried to keep busy instead. I worked longer hours and filled my agenda with plans and events. As a result my mental health started to plummet.

Fast forward to this year, quarantine was a nice break for me. It allowed me to care for my self more than I had in years- probably ever if I'm being honest. But after quarantine it became apparent to more than just me that my health was declining more rapidly than before. I bought a new house, I started a new job, I was on the brink of taking bolder steps with My Mess, and that is precisely when being "too young" didn't matter any more. My body had, had enough of being put on the back burner and was now demanding my attention.

So why am I telling you this? I mean, I know this is the personal section of this blog and all, but come on, this is a bit too heavy isn't it? No. Too heavy is watching my husband sobbing because I collapsed and wouldn't wake up. Hearing him whisper that he thought he lost me...That was too heavy and this broken body of mine couldn't carry it. It was then that I realized that my "good enough" was just my flowery way of saying I had given up, many years ago in fact, and this crying man beside me could not pay the price for that. So, despite all of my fears and doubts, I went back to the doctor and told them everything. I asked for a new team of specialists and I asked for every test they would give me. Granted, I didn't do any of this without a lot of whining and complaining and also a lot of trembling in fear and crying inside. But I got through it.

And haven't I always? Haven't YOU always? If you haven't realized it let me just say it: you have. You have gotten through every single dark time of your life. Not unscathed but you've made it through to see today and damn it all if that isn't an incredible accomplishment. Look, giving up is always an option, but is it ever the option we actually want? I don't think it is, not until we are very desperate and at the end of our rope do we actually consider letting go. I can't say I am always going to have the strength to feel this way but I can say this: you owe it to yourself, to those who love you, and to those who are waiting for you to come into their lives, to keep going. Don't give up on your dreams, because what do you have to lose? If you gave up you would 100% lose everything- but if you tried, you have a chance to succeed. Don't give up on your health because eventually you will find a doctor who will listen and care and try. Don't give up on yourself because you're still getting to know you. No matter how old you are, you still have room to grow and to impact people and to become more of the person you always wanted to be. You just need to give yourself the chance, and then keep giving yourself chances.

I won't say giving up is easy, because I don't believe it is, but it is an option. My thoughts on it tonight are to not take that option. Choose to take another step, choose to keep going and see where it is you end up. If you don't like where you end up then the beautiful thing is, you already have the answer of what to do next: keep going. After all, I'm not at the end of my journey, and neither are you. We're just getting started.

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Thank you so much for joining me for this deep welcome back! In case you were wondering, I have a team of doctors I am very happy with right now. We are taking active steps and I am hopeful for a future now that is more than "good enough". I hope you will find that drive in yourself today and that you will keep going after anything and everything your heart desires. It was wonderful to share this with you tonight, I will be back on Wednesday with some Nerdom, I hope you'll join me! Until then, stay safe and stay messy friends.