What Do I Want?

We are twelve days into the new year and I am sure you have already established your new years resolutions. Today I go over how I am reflecting on 2020.

Two years ago [2018] I decided I wanted to pursue the idea of "more". I didn't want to make a new years resolution just for me to quit after January was done. No, instead I wanted to chase and embrace the idea of more for myself and for this life. What does that mean? I want more happiness, more success, more laughter, more positivity, overall just more of God's blessing. I wanted to charge after this and take hold of it myself, I wanted to work harder and bring myself to a better place, and most importantly, I wanted to embrace it as it finally came.

I have not always stayed true to this mindset but when I would find myself remembering that it was supposed to be the year of more, I would pick myself up and try again. In 2019 I told myself I would continue to keep trying. 2018 pushed me down, 2019 beat me up, I am unsure if 2020 will be a helping hand or another violent fist but once again I would like to stand up and fight for this idea of more. I want to be more of who God intended me to be, I want more of what God has for me, I want to walk more of my path and reach for more of what I want. So, what do I want?

I want to finish my book.

I want to buy a house.

I want to conquer my mental health.

I want to play D&D.

I want to quit my job.

I want to cook more.

I want to start a podcast.

I want to watch new anime.

I want to finish some old anime.

I want more fish.

I want to travel.

I want to have a quite night in.

I want to research a true crime case.

I want to launch Poetryland.

I want to get rid of a bunch of unnecessary stuff.

I want more of the good stuff.

Some of this is trivial. Some of this is easy and some of it not so much. Some of this is stupid and some of it couldn't be more serious. But all of it is within my control. Even knowing that though, I know I might not accomplish this all but I am going to keep going. I am going to keep running towards more because I am full-heartedly convinced that there is more. There is more to this life than feeling trapped at a dead-end job. There is more than just thinking about dreams and passions you used to have. There is more. There is sitting in you pj's with your husband playing video games together, laughing. There is spending a little extra money and time to get lunch with some good friends when they're having a bad day. There is finding your art again when you haven't tried since high school and finding it still brings you joy! Yes, there is more.

I am not sure what your new years resolution is. Or was, if you feel like you have failed already. But know that even beyond that, there is more. There is happiness and laughter and friendship and dream fulfillment on the horizon. I am under no delusion that after two years of trying to find more that I will suddenly find it here at the turn of a decade. But I am finding that this journey that I started on two years ago is a lifetime commitment. I hope I never stop striving for more. Because there is more out there to be had.

Today's post is short, but sometimes less is more. Besides, I want my message to go with you all year. Make this your "year of more" like I did in 2018, and find that you want that to be every year. Want more after an amazing, fulfilling year. Want more after a year you aren't even close to being satisfied with. Keep striving for more and see all that is out there.

---

Thank you so much for joining me here for The Mess. I am very humbled by all of you that continue to read. I received a message this week from someone I had not spoken to in years who really settled my heart on continuing this blog. I cannot tell you how many times I have thought of throwing in the towel already, but I get glimpses of the potential this blog has for both others and myself that really help me sit and write again. I hope you receive glimpses this week to help you to continue on your own dreams, too. The path might be messy but if you grab a canvas along the way, the mess becomes art. With that being said, stay messy friends, I will see you on Wednesday for some Nerdom.