Where Am I?

As the count down begins for our 100th post I am surprised to find I'm not asking myself where I'm going, because I think I know that answer. No, I find myself asking "Where am I now?"

We have certainly had our ups and downs when it comes to our journey for My Mess. Overall, though, this blog has been nothing but a blessing to my life- an outlet, a creative space, a motivator... a purpose. Approaching milestones makes you reflective; more-so, lately, it's been making me despair. This is post 91, and though since post 50 I have known where I wanted this blog to go, I'm not really sure where I am. I keep trying to keep my thoughts balanced and in check, but it can be difficult when you see clearly what you want but are unable to seize it. So, what do you do? And, where does that leave you?

I'm not sure. I guess I should apologize because this approach to 100 has left me selfish on here lately- trying to sort out my problems in front of all of you. But I should be clear that it has been intentional. I created a blog called "My Mess," after all, so I didn't want to shrink away or cover up the messy parts of it. I didn't want to cover up the doubt or the worry, and I don't want to cover up the desire, either. It's all there: The desire to make this into something more, into something incredible, as well as the doubts of me being capable of doing any of that, let alone actually accomplishing it. I guess I also wanted to show that I genuinely am fighting and working towards my dreams finally. I wanted people to see that though it's hard enough to handle all the burdens of your mundane life, it is also worth it to struggle a bit more to try and change it, to try and find your own happiness in this world that seems so ready to rob you of purpose.

To be honest, I often feel like the most incapable person I know. Someone told me when I was 14 years old that I would never finish anything. It's been 13 years and that comment is still haunting me. I say this because I want you to know that if I, of all people, can make it this far with a stupid blog, I promise you can do whatever it is that will bring you happiness too. My struggle on here lately has been selfish, I won't deny that, but it is also just me being honest and hoping that it reaches some of you. Because God knows, I want this to reach you. I want you to have something you look forward to. I want you to have purpose outside of your job, your bills, and your responsibilities. I want you to have a hand in recreating your identity and having a say in who you want to be, because that should be who you really are. I want your passions to be free and unencumbered. I want that for you because I want that for me. I want more for this world, I want better for this world, and I think that it starts on a very individual level.

That sounds dramatic, and maybe it is, but I don't think its a bad thing. I very much believe that God gave us all our talents and our passions for a reason- and therefore we should not hide or neglect them, but share them with the world. I also believe that God wants the most for us. Those two beliefs combined are what creates this dramatic train of thought for me. Even if your talents only impact one person, who knows what that person could go on to do. Let alone multiple people. If you hide away those talents and passion then that person will never hear or see what it is that could have changed the course for them. We all have influence surrounding us, so why shouldn't we use it to bring something to the table? If you think this isn't true, then just think of your favorite, movie, book, poem, video game- your favorite anything really. That influenced you, and it wasn't created by someone who had all the answers. It was just created by another human being who actually went through with it. What if you went through with it?

I don't want to be the person who never finishes anything. In my mind I have twisted and equated that to "the person who never amounts to anything." I know that isn't true but still, to combat that, I have to reject that version of me with my entire being. I have to form who I want to be, and I have to work for what I want to come of that. At the end of the day, I'm not sure where I am, but I know where I want to go. I might not be where I wanted to be by this time but I am learning to be okay with any progress I make, and to not rush my own timeline. I might not be where I want to be, but I will get there. I hope you get there too.

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Thank you for joining me for a sappy Sunday. I found this post freeing to write as I have been struggling with the fast approaching 100 post mile marker. I have to accept that it won't be what I wanted it to be and that will be okay. I hope you stick around to see all the amazing things we have planned for the future. I'm excited for where we are going, and I'm excited for where ever you're going to, so let's continue together. Starting with this week, I hope you have an amazing week! I'll be back on Wednesday with some Nerdom! Until then, stay safe, keep going, and stay messy friends.