Beyond Me- Part Two: Opposing Love

Today is our second installment of our current mini series: "Beyond Me". We dive in a little deeper on the topic of differences. But this time, it's all about the love.

I hope you guys are enjoying this shake up. I'm a sucker for a good mini series. The point of "Beyond Me", is to address topics that we find ourselves being a little selfish about. These are things that we make what I call an "either/or" situation when it needs to be a "both/and" situation. What I mean by that is a situation you are facing does not need to be either black or white, it can indeed be both black and white. There is not always just ONE right answer, to be honest I can't think of many situations where I ever feel that way. Mainly because almost all of the situations we find ourselves in are of human creation, and humanity in itself is complex and very messy. So, to limit ourselves with such strictness rather than the possibility of multiple perspectives, options, and answers seems... well...stupid?

Take today's topic: opposing love. What do you do when your experience of love is different from somebody else's? More specifically, what do you do when how you express love is different than those you love? The first example that I think will come to most peoples minds is the Love Languages. In 1992, Gary Chapman wrote a book called "The Five Love Languages: How to Express Heartfelt Commitment to Your Mate", and it opened a door that couples everywhere previously did not really know existed. It became very popular in Christian circles in the late 2000's and blew up from there. The premise of it is that there are five different love languages[: Quality Time, Acts of Service, Words of Affirmation, Physical Touch, and Gifts], and that problems arising in a relationship could be a result of differing love languages without the peoples awareness. For example: a husband's love language is gifts, he brings his wife gifts every day, and yet she is still unhappy. But she's unhappy because her love language is acts of service and all she wants is help around the house, not gifts. By not knowing what your partners love language is, you are hurting them without knowing it. The husband feels rejected because she doesn't appreciate his gifts, while the wife feels unimportant because he doesn't see her actual need. Neither of their ways are loving are wrong, they're just different. This is a very condensed and sloppy summary, but I think you get the picture.

It is important to know both your love language as well as your partners. It's just another form of communication. Take the above image as an example. It was never that he didn't love her, but just that he expressed it differently. What I don't think people understand is that this goes beyond romantic relationships. This effects all of our relationships: friends, children, parents, siblings, and so on. We all express love differently, and that isn't wrong.

What is wrong is expecting someone to adapt to you without adapting to them. It's not: "My love language is acts of service, therefore unless you preform acts of service then you don't love me." No. That's not how this works. The point is to acknowledge how they are loving you and how you are loving them AND to also meet them in the middle. This is a both/and situation. My love language is physical touch. I feel the most loved through touch, but I acknowledge that my mom shows her love for me through acts of service since that is her love language. I acknowledge that James loves me through quality time because that is his love language. I acknowledge that my friend Emma loves me when she encourages me because her love language is words of affirmation. And they, likewise, acknowledge when I want to hug them a little longer then usual, or when I pet their hair. Those are all good things, necessary things. It is important to see the difference in love and know that it is just as meaningful even though it is not how I, personally, love.

The other side of that coin though is acknowledging: "this person needs their love right now". When I have a bad day, James will sit on the couch with me, lie in bed with me, where ever we are, he will make sure he has a hand on me. He will just lightly trace his fingers along my arm or hold my hand tightly and securely. Likewise, when he has a bad day, and I want to fix it but there is nothing I can do, I know to just sit there and intentionally be with him. To be honest, I find James' and mine love languages very complimenting so it isn't that hard. Especially because I know very well that others aren't as easy. But that is exactly why intentionality in these situations is so critical. Successful relationships take more than just acknowledging that you love differently. It takes stepping out of yourself to love someone they way they most feel loved sometimes, even when it's hard for you.

Yes, opposing loves can be difficult. I personally find them the hardest in friendships. Often time's I find that we get too caught up in our own lives and problems, that we stop considering how our expressions of love, outside our romantic relationships, lands on others. We miss the mark. We just poured into their cup without looking at how it was actually received, going back to last week. We need to stop, slow down, and evaluate what exactly is it that they need from you right now, and likewise what do you need from them. It's important for all parties to be filled, again, like we talked about last week. Only then, when we finally go beyond just ourselves can we see what is necessary for that relationship. This sounds very transactional. So? That doesn't make it cold. That doesn't make it less loving. Communication in and of itself is transactional, while still being the backbone of relationships.

This is what I was talking about, there is so much more that is both/and than either/or. We have to expand our perspectives. When we do that, we see more, we understand more, and we love better. And you know how I feel this year- we all deserve better. But we all need to put the work into it too.

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Thank you for joining me for this really long post. I didn't realize how much I had written until it was over. Not so mini in the mini series I guess haha. Either way, I hope we can keep this in our hearts as we move into a new week. I'll be back on Wednesday with some Nerdom. In the mean time, as always, stay safe and stay messy friends.